Adventures of the Super Amazing Bachelor Man

Entry One: Saturday Night

Fans are always writing to me and saying, "Brent, we all hear legends of what it's like to be a bachelor in New York City; is it really as incredible as it sounds?" Of course it is! That why there are legends about it. And anyone who knows anything knows that Saturday night is the Holy Grail for a Super Amazing Bachelor Man. So now, my loyal and adoring fans (especially those card carrying Fan Club Members whose dues are paid in full), I will take you on a fantastic journey through the anatomy of a Saturday night for a Super Amazing Bachelor, such as myself.

7:00pm Hang around with your roommate while she gets ready for her date tonight. Talk to her about her date, and dating. Watch a little Everybody Loves Raymond.

7:30pm Start eating. Make yourself a multi-course banquet composed of leftovers. There's a lot of stuff in your fridge and freezer that you opened and only ate half of. Set the microwave on stun (but really just use the high heat setting), and go to town. By clearing that space in your fridge, you're creating more space for all the ladies' hearts you'll be storing there after you've stolen them, tiger.

8:30pm You're not done eating yet. Ignore that stupid appestat meter in your stomach; you are a burning love machine and you need fuel, baby! Keep going through your fridge. Find some cheese, and garlic stuffed olives. To the untrained eye this may look like the binge-eating of a depressed person trying to fill the void deep within them, but you know different; this is the binge-eating of the Super Amazing Bachelor Man, trying to fill the void of mercy, because ooooh yeah, those ladies have no idea what they're in for.

9:00pm Man, you've got a lot of work to get done. You're supposed to do all this writing this weekend. Now's the time, baby. Sit down and write the next Hamlet!

9:30pm Hamlet 2: Danes, Danes, Danes, is not going as well as expected. Despite constant pestering from the ghost of Hamlet and the ghost of his father, Horatio is reluctant to wage war against the tribe of naked Amazon women who live in the enchanted forest down the road. Fortinbras is equally obstinate. You need some inspiration. Eat some chocolate and watch an episode of The Office, you sexy man.

10pm Listen to the sounds of your neighbor's festive barbecue next door. Just listen to all the mirth and merriment those families are making! Start to laugh. You'll laugh and laugh and laugh, because they are tied down and not free, like you are. Heck, you'll laugh so hard you'll start crying. Crying with laughter! Then crying and crying and crying! Oh, those poor, poor happy families who are not free like you are.

11pm Think about girls a whole bunch. Now that you're preoccupied, try going back to your writing. Better eat more first. Eat enough pineapple chunks to make your mouth raw with the acid; that'll make you sweeter… for the ladies… (wink!).

11:30pm Start watching web shows by people who know what they're doing. Make yourself peanut butter and jam sandwiches on leftover hamburger buns. Start writing a blog that has nothing to do with the stuff you need to be writing right now. Ha! Just imagine how annoyed Future You will be that you didn't get all that stuff done earlier. Man, you got him good! (continue thinking about girls)

12:00pm Eat some frozen mango chunks. Write a few more sentences in one of your scripts, then delete them. You're such a maverick!

12:30pm Turn on the last half hour of Saturday Night Live. Feel instantly encouraged and confident that no matter what kind of horrid excuse for a script you are about to pull out of your ass tonight, it couldn't possibly be any worse than this. Reflect for a moment that these people do what you do, only worse, and make much, much more money than you do. Also, they're famous. Mutter something about the "corporate machine". Zing! Nice one, now they've been zung.

1:14 Finish your ridiculous blog, and try to read another chapter in that book you have that helps you deal with what a mess you are. Only a baller can do that on a Saturday night and still be a baller. Now brush your teeth and go to bed. You've got a lot of hearts to break tomorrow, you big Super Amazing Bachelor Man, you.

Signed,

Brent (The S.A.B.M.) Rose
7.8.07 1.17am