Monday, September 10, 2007

Sun-Proof Cock: Anatomical Anomaly

Out to breakfast last Sunday with a friend. She says that after the meal she plans on swinging by a tanning salon and getting a little color. I say I’ve never done it. I was buying breakfast, so she says, “I’ll buy you a tan.” And I say, “Fuck it, why not?”

Eight naked minutes in a level one tanning bed, and I’m done. I look the same, I feel the same. Nothing happened. Lame, but whatever, I was more into it for the experience anyway, so who cares, right?

Well, eight hours or so go by, I get home, and it suddenly occurs to me, “Say, my skin is kinda hurty.” So I take off my clothes, and lo and behold, I am Lobster Boy. More specifically, I am Uneven, Patchy Lobster Boy. My stomach is burnt to shit, but the color mysteriously stops just below my tits, which remain seemingly unchanged. My face and neck look normal, my back is fucked; burnt and stripey… nice. My sides are as white as they ever were. I brace myself, and scan further down. Yep. My butt cheeks are belly-flop-pink; like they’d been slapped for hours on end by a particularly savage lover. “Oh god… please say it ain’t so…” I slowly turn back around to face my fears… Oh god. My thighs: burned as burned can be. At this point, I figure I must be completely fucked. Of all my body parts which have not been exposed to much sunlight before, there is one particularly sensitive part, and it’s dangling right at the epicenter of the burn zone. These thoughts followed:

“How will I be able to walk? Fuck that, will I even be able to wear pants? “

But just before absolute terror set in, I looked a little bit closer, and……………

NOTHING!!!

Yeah, nothing! I couldn’t believe it! My whole body looks like a Care-Bear reject, and yet my most delicate bits and pieces are totally unscathed. How could this be?

Wild thoughts began occurring. Could my cock actually be burn-proof (the penile equivalent of Bruce Willis in Unbreakable)? Hmmm… well, I cook breakfast naked frequently enough to know that spattering-frying-pan-oil really, really stings… but have I ever seen a mark from that? I don’t think so. I began to contemplate the implications: Could I somehow use this power to better humanity; make the world a better, safer place? Could my un-charrable wang end crime? Poverty? World hunger? And just as I began to feel almost burdened by my newfound responsibility, I remember something... FRICTION BURNS! Damn it! Did I learn nothing from all those awful, dry hand-jobs in high school? Alas, how often we conveniently forget those things which we wish we did not remember.

Sad for me, sad for the world, and indeed, sad for all mankind, but we must face this fact together: my cock is mortal… it just tans well.

It tans really well, actually, but I found that to be precious little comfort with my bright-red ass and thighs on a bicycle for the next week.

Kisses,
B.

4.8.06

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